Chapter Seven - Navigating the Sea

10/16/19 - Penny died nine weeks ago last Sunday.  On that August day I plunged into an emotional ocean, sank deep, and struggled to the surface to catch my breath.  For all these weeks, this has been my world, as I search the horizon for beacons to swim toward, and ultimately the safe shore.  But slowly, very slowly, the water grows shallower and I am able occasionally to touch bottom with my toes.  I refer often to the soul-baring work by C.S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed", and follow some of the parallels between his journey and my own.  In prose beyond any I could author myself, he makes an observation that reflects my own, just over the past few days: "Something quite unexpected has happened. It came this morning early. For various reasons, not in themselves at all mysterious, my heart was lighter than it had been for many weeks. For one thing, I suppose I am recovering physically from a good deal of mere exhaustion. And I’d had a very tiring but very healthy twelve hours the day before, and a sounder night’s sleep; and after ten days of low-hung grey skies and motionless warm dampness, the sun was shining and there was a light breeze. And suddenly at the very moment when, so far, I mourned H. least, I remembered her best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier."  Yes, I share the feeling that my vision and recollection of Penny becomes gradually less clouded with tears, and brings me, in a way, into a connection that I hope endures, where I feel the unseen tug of her hand to mine, in the way we so often walked, and sense the changing expressions on her face that communicated so well.  Reading on in the notebook of Lewis, the episode he describes is the beginning of a healing of sorts, the start of a complex reconciliation with his fears, with his memories, with God, with going forward in a life which must place the right context and perspective on that huge portion that was occupied by the relationship.  I sense that I may be at that same beginning, though the shore toward which I swim is not the same as that from which I departed.  I stress again the word beginning, as so many touchstones of memory and emotion loom large over the next three months.  I feel encouraged nevertheless.